First Activity is Anxiety Ridden


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Well…today started a new assignment. A new project. My first positive activity.

Now that the preverbial cat is out of the bag and people know that I have eloped, my mom wants to give us a reception party to celebrate it.

Woah! I felt overwhelmed right at the start. There are so many different things that need to be done, and yet it’s going to be a small party.
I must gather the list, get their addresses, invitations with RSVP date. I must get stamps. I must hurry.
Oh boy!!!!
So I have a little notebook that’s empty so I started writing.
I have about ninety percent of addresses that I need.
I’m trying to find pretty invitations but so far zero luck.
Tomorrow is another day to shop for it.

My mom has the restaurant in control.
She’s so good and organized that I am jealous.
I watch and learn.
I picked these favors to give. I am going to have them personalized with our picture and date. Hopefully everyone will like it.

Sand Dollar Personalized Key Ring Wedding Favor

New territory for me.
As my doctor suggested…take it on small task at a time and it’ll come together.

I am trying very hard to be calm and take those small tasks. So far so good.

I give high kudos to all the couples out there that get it done.
It’s a daunting task, but I will do it.

I cannot let anxiety and depression and panic rule this and possibly ruin it for us.

I’ve done all I can for today. Tomorrow I continue onto the next small task of putting this party together.

Any advice?

Activities Across the Board 


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I know that I took a small hiatus and I am sorry for that.

I have no excuse.

Anxiety and depression is no excuse. I cannot blame it. Maybe I can a little but mostly no.

I have been away from the computer world for a little bit because I am trying new ideas and forums to bring to you.

I want to begin again and spread my wings across the board.

I actually have so very much to say but felt I lost my creative platform. I consistently reinvent myself in hopes of relieving myself of this paralyzingly anxiety and depression.

Is it working? I do not know yet.

I gather my little notebook and jot down some words, phrases and outlines. I doodle too.

I must get up and go live life again.

You would think that a newlywed as myself would be sky high with joy, yet I am not, not yet.

So a little teaser is that it’s time to redo everything from start A in everything around me.

I will be unaffected by negative people at work. Luckily it’s only three numb nuts. I will concentrate on my brokers exam studies for that possible promotion or transfer.

I will go to all my doctors for check ups.

I will revamp my site and truly show my creative heart and soul.

It’s a scary and exciting task ahead and I am putting together a schedule to make sure I do it and not stray away.

How do you reinvent yourself?

Any ideas for me?

I’d love to read it. 


OMG! Ripping Bandaid


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Good evening.

This is a short blog since it is late and I get up early for work, but I had to share my OMG weekend.

I eloped!

I am befuddled that after approximately four stalled/cancelled dates, that I actually went through with it.

Joey and got our marriage license and there started my IBS. Petrified I was, especially since we told no one of our plans. It was a spur of the moment decision.

The next spur of the moment decision was to ask the mayor to marry the following week. He actually said yes. Woah!

I didn’t scramble much. I got a lovely dress right away. I was lucky it fit and the price was sixty percent off. Awesome.

Got little accessories because I am low key. Having such anxiety makes me more low key. Instead I was sick for the week. My nerves and anxiety went into overdrive. I had a terrible time holding it together, especially since my family was not attending.

I was still blessed that my dearest friend Jennifer stood next to me…my best gal. Joey’s brother as best man plus two more in attendance.

It was short and sweet.

I cannot believe I did it. I was sure that my anxiety would make me run the other way.

Yet, it didn’t. I was so nervous but I got through it.

Thank heavens for Jennifer . She reminded me that it will be alright.

So as of Saturday May 9, 2015 I am now a married woman.

This new journey is beginning .

I hope that my anxiety can handle this.

Stay tuned on this one. 


My Other Inspiration


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I look and I read. I take deep breaths and take long walks. Do they help? Sometimes.

I have been focusing on my studies so much lately that I haven’t had a chance to stop and smell the roses.

Shame on me, right?

I have been reading more about the meaning of the name Rhona and I am astounded. What an enriching meaning.

It reminded me to get my creative side back. I miss that part of myself.
Before anxiety and depression took such a tight grip on my life I used to be so involved in my creative ways.
I used to pencil sketch all the time. I still have my sketch books and they await my return. My paint box is slowly drying because I haven’t touched it for more than five years.
My journal book goes in and out of my eyesight. I love to write short stories and poetry.
Reading about Rhona only reminds me that I must stop.
Is this procrastinating or fear?
Is this depression or lazy?

I know that I am conflicted deeply.

What can I say except that I know that I must keep trying to get out of this grip before it eats me alive.

I look for inspiration in the name. I see inspiration in my small group of friends.
I see inspiration in my fiancee.

I just hope for it to take hold on me.


I feel like a stormy sea that won’t stop beating against the homes.
Will this ever end?
I miss laughing. I miss smiling.
My eyes hurt.

Am I alone in feeling like this?

Inspired by a Name


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So since I have had a pretty terrible week that is now yesterday’ s news…I must do my hindsight perspective.

My depression has grown to unbelievable heights this week. I have cried so much and uncontrollably that I am amazed that my eyes still see. I have been wearing my glasses more just to ease my eyes from squinting. Not fun.
So today I fiddled on the computer during my break.

I’ve been enthralled and intrigued since I took the test of what my Scottish name would be.
That being Rhona. I had to get more meaning about the name.


Here’s the description and I was inspired and wowed. This describes me to the letter.
I love it.

It may seem silly but reading this helped me.
I’m so tired of crying and feeling sad and empty.
Brown nose people at work will never change. I must tune them out.
Something to work on…diligently.
They are not worth my energy.

I love the name Rhona and feel a kindred connection to its meaning.
It’s a start.

I took out my book and started rereading my brokers exam study guide on option hedging.
I felt a renewed sense of absorption.
It felt nice.
I finally had a day where I only cried once and not five times.

I’m exhausted beyond words.

A name can define oneself.
I like being Eva with a pinch of Rhona for inspiration.
It’s like living in a time period of yesteryear.

I love history and the old ways before electronic gadgets.
A nice idea in my mind and heart.

Who knows it may become a trend for me to be energetic and imaginative.

One day at a time and one moment at a time.

What do you think?

Stevie Nicks, Feminist

I love a woman who is straight forward. A role model and reminder for me to get that backbone back.


Stevie Nicks: The legend from Fleetwood Mac is a rock star, because she’s always been ruthlessly honest and fearless. The first time she picked up a guitar and wrote a song, it was about heartbreak, and when she wrote for Fleetwood Mac, many of those songs were about her doomed relationship with guitarist Lindsey Buckingham. But through all the struggle, Nicks was sexy and sophisticated, and strove for equality by embodying the equal. 

“We fought very hard for feminism, for women’s rights,” Nicks told a crowd at South by Southwest in 2013, according to Rolling Stone. “What I’m seeing today is a very opposite thing. I don’t know why, but I see women being put back in their place. And I hate it. We’re losing all we worked so hard for, and it really bums me out.”

Nicks completely owned her femininity and her vulnerability, all while proving that…

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Outstanding, Typical, Sad


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They say to live your life like it’s your last.
Who said that? I didn’t, but sometimes I do believe that.
Walking slowly,  walking slowly is all I have been doing lately.
I sleep a lot. My appetite varies.
My decision making is abysmal.
Second guessing myself is not fun.

I am working very hard to rediscover myself. I am doing my best to enlighten my inner self.

This stage — inner turmoil.

The tunnel is black as night.
My boss has a black and hollow spot where her heart should be. Then again she is brain washed.

How do I continue when condescending nitwits block me?

I do understand that pretty much all jobs have there pros and cons,  but why again and again and again? Enough.

All I want is to get my inner peace back.
I want my inner smile back.
My old self…thick skinned and strong.

My strength went on a hiatus and I hate that.

Where are you?

My projects are on paper. My goals have paper and pictures.

How do I begin?

I must find a way.

Any ideas?


I skimmed this book and hoping.
The wall came back because my manager is a #^€.  I will not be scolded or spoken down to because her pet is not feeling kissed enough.

My apologies for this vent. I so deeply hate it that a stupid job is exasperating my anxiety and depression.
I can’t be here anymore and work hard to heal.
It doesn’t mix.

I’ll keep searching until it does.

It Is A Rhona Effect!


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Well, I feel compelled to write again. I am at a boiling point that I must write positive things in order to diflect my deep feelings.

I am recontructing the site, so as to improve your reading experience along with my writing experience. It is a tough thing, with so much to learn. It is the only thing keeping my emotions in check today.
My last post stated my unhappiness and since then I have had the pleasure (sarcasm) of being treated as if I am invisible.

We have a certain brown nose woman. A pitiful 50+ woman who kisses the managers you know what so high, I swear her colon must be spotless.

It’s bad enough that I got demoted with a paycut, but now the little work I have left is being swallowed away by this “person” who thinks she’s boss (she is a co-worker like everyone else).

The reality of heartless, condescending people have take their toll on me today.

I cannot breathe, I am so anxious and I already cried once. I am sure round two will be coming soon.

Continue reading

Denied that Rose Garden


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It is utterly amazing how easily people lie.
They do it with a straight face too. Promises are made and then selective amnesia strikes.

The audacity bewilders me. I was promised many different things at my job since July 2011.
Sadly, not one has come true. My working hard, smiling and treating others with kindness and respect has only put tire marks on my forehead.

Talk about making a depressed person worse. They thrive on kicking me when I am already down.

Corporate America…what can I say without using foul language?

Selfishness, greed, lust, nepotism,  etc…

I can’t breathe here anymore.
They lied when they made position and money advancement to me.
Dangling like a carrot to a rabbit.

Shame on all of them. No humanity.

Where did it go?

I’m at my wits end applying for jobs,  with zero success. I network over and over.

Am I stuck in the misery?
I feel like I am.

How do I put one foot in front of the other?

I know…keep trying and don’t give up.
I shall try but it’s difficult at times, especially when people  say


condescending words and mock me.

I know I must make my own rose garden and walk away from this and never look back.

How do you cope with an unhappy and unhealthy job?